Goodbye blogger. It was nice.

Vacation!

We flew out of John Wayne Airport this morning at 7:40! It was so hard waking up. About 4 hours to Newark, NJ. 3 hour layover, then a 1 hour flight to Albany, New York. Finally a 45 minute drive to Hoosick Falls. Arriving at 9:45 didn't really allow for a great view of the town, I can't wait to really explore it & look around with Matt. Tomorrow morning we are taking a train to the city. Yeah, NEW YORK CITY. I know its going to be great. 2 nights in the city, then back to explore Hoosick Falls. I love that I'm doing all of this with my fiance.

This wedding planning is a lot of work. HELP!

Love

I can't seem to find just one good way to deal with my insecurities. I dwell so much in those things that only hurt me but shouldn't. I have a great man who loves me so much but I find it so hard to let things go. I know I am past the point in my life where I'm allowed to use the same excuse over & over again. I've stopped blaming the fact that I had my heart broken by someone else. So for the sake of taking responsibility for my behavior I blame all insecurities on myself. I'm the one who seeks out those off sets of my behaviors. I push the limits with my thoughts & assumptions. I need to change that. This isn't about whether or not there is trust in my relationship with Matt, it's about how  I believe in us & who we are together. Because that is all that matters. Not all of our trifling past. I believe that one way I will exercise my goal is to show my appreciation more often, of all the things he does & says. That's love.

Hey hey hey hey, hey ladies!

Today I really grasped the necessary steps to defeating my unhealthy thoughts towards a specific person in my life. I really sought out guidance from my closest lady friends. Unfortunately this topic was not one I was ready to share with Matt. Aside from that I believe in holding close the importance & essentials of my female friendships. I was really inspired & encouraged by them all. I am very thankful to have friends that I can really count on for help when I've hit a fork in the road or just a bump. My best friend Janine is very wise. I admire her for holding close to love & respect. I've learned a lot from her. I have given her my full trust & have complete confidence that she speaks from her heart. So today when I came to her with my thoughts I did not feel ashamed or embarrassed. I felt safe & encouraged to do what I believe is right. Who can ask for better friends than the ones I have. You ladies all show me love in a billion different ways & I am so thankful that you are there for me while I am defeating my cynicism. 

Then & Now

I didn't realize how long it's been since I've written in my blog until I saw my last entry was dated a month ago. Time is flying & I'm fifty fifty about it. I'm half excited about the things I am moving forward towards (i.e. weekends, NY, Hawaii, our WEDDING!) ... & I'm half disappointed & sad about the things that are being left undone & unsaid. It seems like I always have so much on my mind & I rarely talk about it. (but I do, it just seems like I don't) I've grown embarrassed of most of what I think about & grown afraid of peoples' reactions. My aspiration is to stop dwelling in what can no longer be changed & refashion the way I feel towards different situations & also concentrate on my future with Matt. (weekends, NY, Hawaii, our WEDDING)

Progress!

Today was the kick off for our July training at work. I'm really looking forward to it because it is suppose to be a real in depth look at our company & the work we do. I've been there for about 2 months, yet I feel like a part of a family. I am very thankful for bosses who are so encouraging & supportive. They are constantly pushing me forward & seeing a potential in me I sometimes don't see myself. There has been such amazing progress in my cases & I feel very proud of my natural abilities & skills to work with these amazing children. (other exciting news is that I will be taking on my 4th case next week!) It takes a lot of patience & passion to do this every day, & I don't think I could do it without the support of all these people. Matt has also been really supportive since I started with the company. I like that he always asks how my sessions went even if he doesn't always understand my excitement about a client showing progress. (for example a client independently asked for a "book" the other day, & it made me SO excited! To some that doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but in my field that's something to celebrate about) Matt's support encourages me to suck it up when I am brought through negative experiences with the job i.e. the constantly changing schedules & the financial sacrifices. & for that I love him more.


I want to share an email that was sent out by all the supervisors to all the staff yesterday, It made me so happy &  fired me up!


"I've been so impressed since the first day she walked in the door and joined us for role play.  I continue to be impressed with her on the case with C***.  Beatriz is very personable and compassionate.  She is creative and patient.  What's more, Beatriz will "feel the fear and do it anyway" and doesn't run from a challenge.  I like how she seizes an opportunity to push C*** to the next level, but in a thoughtful way.  He's making a lot of great progress!  Thanks Beatriz!!" 




I'll leave you with this:
"If you see your work as only a job, then it's dragging you away from what you really want to be doing. If you see it as a calling, then it is no longer a toiling sacrifice. Instead, it becomes an expression of you, a part of you."

Late night update

I can't believe Matt & I have been engaged for 3 months! Time flies fast. Also, I've had my Behavior Technician title for a month! My boss spoke to me today about giving me my raise & promotion in August. It will be here sooner than I think. The last 8 months of my life have flown by! I have been very fortunate to experience all that I've experienced. I am learning a lot & growing all at the same time. I wouldn't change anything about my life. The stresses of money are there, but Matt & I are doing really good not spending unwisely... We treat ourselves every once in a while, but we're smart about it. I am happy that everything we do & every decision we make is working towards our marriage. Learning what each others' priorities are & working with one another to meet goals brings us closer to being ready for marriage. We have a lot to learn, & we're getting there. I am so excited for the next few days, but especially Saturday, Maddie & Alycia & David will be accompanying Matt & I on our hike. I am so happy to be spending so much time with them. They are so important to me.

I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow, & only one client from 5-7pm. I think I'll go for a run after my session.

Adventures

We're making so many plans & I am so ready to follow through with them. Alycia & I are making a list of the things we want to do together. More hiking, camping, wine tasting & so on. Wine tasting is at the top of my list. Matt & I have been wanting to do something like that for a while. Saturday Matt, Chris, (Matt's brother) Alycia & I went on a hike to mine & Matt's favorite spot. It was a perfect day for a hike too. Weather was just right & there was a cool breeze. We'll be going back possibly next week. Matt & I like to keep this place a secret, it's beautiful & hard to find. Here are a few photos from the hike. I can't wait to continue to add adventures to our list.

Alycia & I in front of the water fall

Nestors

Upside down

My little mermaid...MerMAN!

Brothers :)

Growing

I am so thankful for my relationship with Matt because it is constantly growing & maturing. It seems like Matt & I have been battling some tough issues lately & it is bringing us closer & making our bond stronger. We have an intrepid relationship that only moves forward & today was just another validation of that. With that said,

I never posted photos from our camping trip last month to Sequoia National Forrest. We camped deep into the forrest, about 3 hours from any town. Peed in the woods (occasionally in a porta potty at a Ranch 5 minutes away) Slept in a tent through nights colder than I have ever experienced! But it was great! So many beautiful things to see & he is the only person I would have wanted to share that with, & of course my father & sister who also went :)

Where did my motivation go?

I have completely fallen off my motivation wagon. I have taken a step backwards & started eating so horrible again & I'm not exercising either. Luckily, Matt & I are going to our favorite hiking spot on Saturday. That will be real nice. We havent been hiking in a while. We were hiking every other day but it's harder now that I have a job. I'm still getting use to my schedule at work & just as that's happening, Matt is working a new schedule for the next 2 weeks. sigh. It will all work out.
I have a lot to do today, I have to pick up my driving record for work at the DMV & get a TB test. I've heard they are pretty painful, not looking forward to that.

Alycia & I had a really good talk today. I am so thankful to have someone like her in my life. She is a great friend & one of the most understanding & selfless people I know. I'm looking forward to the time we'll get to spend together in the future, I really cherish her friendship with me. I can't wait for us to start looking at wedding ideas & details. She is hands down in my top 5 favorite people in the world. It's a good feeling when the people you love, love you back just as much :)

That conversation is my motivation for today & the next few days. I'm back on the motivation wagon- so now, I'm gonna go swim some laps in my pool & get a tan!


ps. I love that the current argument Matt & I are having is what kind of blanket we're gonna have on our bed when we're married. I want big fluffy comforter, he says thin soft blanket! I ask, "What are we going to do!?" his response is, "Switch the covers every week I guess :)" This is why I love him.

Money money moneyyy

I don't have much to write about, except the fact that I have been feeling so anxious these last few days. Days are moving slowly & I feel so far away from our goal. Matt & I have been earnestly trying to pay off my debt but I can't seem to notice a diminution in the amount I owe. I keep beating myself up & hating myself for making the mistake of spending more than I made. I know it doesn't help. I am really understanding the consequences of my past credit card use because now Matt & I have to put "planning a wedding" on hold until we have met this goal. So to help us & motivate us a bit more (wedding is motivation #1) we decided that the first thing we'd do after paying off my debt would be to get a room & spend a weekend away from home, go out somewhere really nice, just the two of us. Relax & relieve ourselves of this. Debt is such a burden. I feel the weight of it daily. I have learned from those mistakes, & I am so thankful to have a man who knows how to save & is wise about his money. What a great husband he'll be.

Pouring a little out.

I really need to stop lingering over frivolous issues. I get so caught up in the small things & too often I lose sight of what matters. I allow my past (& everyone else's) affect how I feel & what I think. I am tired of always being so cynical. I watch Matt make such an effort to get me out of my ruts, but sometimes I am so deep in my cynicism his efforts go ignored. I can't believe that in the midst of my insecurity I am unable to communicate what I'm feeling. I have to stop doing this. I really need to succumb to the happiness I am offered on a daily basis.  I want to be a better girlfriend & a better friend. 

Here's to loving life

I find myself in one of the best moods I've been in for some time now. Don't get me wrong, I've been very happy with where my life is going but recently there have been some new developments in how I feel & what I am doing. Matt & I are experiencing a lot of growth in our relationship & therefore feel as though I am growing as a person & what feels better than knowing you are maturing & becoming the person you are meant to be? We are taking it one day at a time & focusing on what is important. I feel confident in where I relationship is headed.

I started working for an agency called Behavior Functions & I am on the fast track. It is one of the best opportunities I've ever been given, I get to learn & practice all things Applied Behavior Analysis approach on cases with children with Autism. My foot is in the door with my career & every day I come to be more passionate & eager to learn! I am currently working on once case & by next week I will be working two more. From day one I've experienced a team of professionally encouraging staff (which actually includes my sister) who are also eager to teach me. I have been told that I have a natural skill in interacting with others & have a great potential to be a successful Behavior Specialist (& then on..) I am being offered a job position of a Behavior  Technician  starting next month & I cannot wait! 

I am getting back to school this Fall, finally! I will be taking my assessment tests this Saturday & I couldn't feel more unprepared. Matt helped me study a bit for the math section a few weeks ago, but I feel as though I have forgotten it already. Another reason I believe anything beyond basic elementary math is useless... It's been 5 years since I graduated High School & not until now am I having to remember math. & again I will probably test low & have to take some ridiculous math class, only to forget what I learned 5 years later. I am obviously bitter about this matter, but good luck to me, I'm going back to school.


Today I had an unexpected message from an unexpected person, which is another reason why I am in such a great mood & so happy. Knowing that there has been reconciliation in a long lost friendship brings tears of joy to my eyes. Just another confirmation that my life is moving forward. We will be reunited this Friday. ( I can't wait to see you Mword)

I have set some pretty general goals lately. Mostly goals that pertain to my physical appearance. I say that with the least vain attitude I can have about the subject. For the last couple years I have really slacked on taking care of myself. Yessss I'm talking about what I eat, how much I exercise/or don't & all the way down to how often I shave my legs (though Matt swears he doesn't care) It's about being a woman for me. So I am making more of an effort to give myself manicures more often, take care of my hands- after all, I do have on a beautiful ring that gets looked at every once in a while, I don't want people noticing my chipped nail polish over my beautiful diamonds ;) I am starting small which is why  I haven't weighed myself & I'm not going crazy about my calorie intake. All I am focusing on is not eating fast food, drinking soda, & anything that is clearly unhealthy for me. I'm also wanting to be more consistent with some sort of exercise. (e.g. cardio, (running, swimming-when it's hot enough) & light weight training) because really the production of endorphins makes you happy & I want to be happy. I went for a run today & then did some sit ups, I've been in a great mood since then. I'm working on feeling better about myself & my health. (I'm going to throw in there that I haven't smoked for 4 months & counting, that's a huge deal, since I smoked for 5 years) 

So here's to loving life. 

& fitting into a wedding dress!

Photos from the Museum of Latin American Art

Time

Matt & I are getting closer to setting a date. Although I have an idea of what time of year I want our wedding/how soon I want us to be married, there is a lot to think about. We have been doing really good with our money lately. We don't eat out a lot like we did when we were first dating & that has saved us a lot of money. For the first time ever I feel as though I have better control over my spending habits (thanks to Matt of course)

I am working again & this means Matt & I are spending less time together, but it has been good. I personally feel as though I am appreciating more the time we do spend together. While I was unemployed we were spending every day together, morning till night (unless he was working) & we weren't giving each other any space. We were arguing over stupid things a lot (mostly my issues) & it was becoming strenuous on our relationship & the time we spent together. It was exhausting. So it's nice to say that we are moving past that & moving onto some good times. Because we are trying to save money for our wedding we've been doing some free/close to free activities. He took me to a beautiful museum Sunday & we spent the after noon admiring photographs & sculptures (& found a possible venue for our wedding. shhh) We took a lot of photos ourselves. (I'll post them later) Then walked around 2nd St. in Belmont Shores then sat on a curb & ate an ice cream cone. Here's a snapshot of us on the curb.

My Dearest Matthew,

I never want a day to go by without you knowing how much I love you & I never want to take for granted how much you love me. I never have doubts of whether I am where I am suppose to be or if I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing. You reassure me by simply being in my life. You make it all easy; easy to love you, easy to care for you, easy to be me, & easy to move past my anger so that I never miss a moment of happiness with you.

An even greater thing about you is your thoughtfulness towards me. You're always looking for ways to make me smile. For example, I just got a picture message from you. It's a picture of you holding your eye brows up with your finger making you look like a sad puppy dog, & you just know that makes me melt. & I couldn't receive anything better than that right now as I write you this.

Matt, you make me want to be a better person. A better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt, a better girlfriend (& I know eventually a better wife) The truth is, & I know you know, I am not perfect: I have horrible road rage, I stay mad after arguments, I'm self conscious, I over analyze everything, I'm lazy, I spend too much money on food, & with that I eat horribly & do not exercise nearly as much as I should... yet in spite of that you tell me I'm perfect for you & that you wouldn't change a thing about me.

1. You're crazy. B. The way you love me only makes me want to give you the best of myself & not those petty problems. So I'm working on it. For me, for you, for us.

Every day brings us closer to the people we were meant to be to one another & together as a couple. I can't imagine my life any other way. It's you & me forever. Has it really only been 5 months?

"Eight days a week
I love you.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to show I care."

Love always,

Your little darling.

Marriage

I wonder if my desire to grow up will be met with regret of all of my responsibilities. You know, like when a kid wishes he were grown up to do "cool, grown up things" only to realize when they get there & are forced to do those "things", certain responsibilities follow... Well I have been grown up for a couple years, but the responsibilities that come with marriage are much more than that, very different. You live together, share (almost) everything from bills to toothpaste & chores. My desires to experience that with Matt are becoming heavier & stronger on a daily basis. I want to start it. All responsibilities included.

Of course I can't wait for our beautiful wedding, but marriage is what I have realized I am waiting for. Sharing my life completely with another human being.

So this is what I wonder, will I be met with regret of all my married responsibilities? (NO I am not asking if I will regret getting married...) but when I get there, will I wish I hadn't grown up & still playing with the other kids. Probably at some moments, like when I realize I'm short on the electric bill because I went shopping... I hope he can live with that. :)

Red Rock Canyon hike.

These are the photos from our hike in Red Rock Canyon State Park. The drive wasn't too far from Las Vegas, although we had a hard time finding the trail, the scenic drive was worth it.

Las Vegas

We got back from Las Vegas yesterday afternoon just in time for Matt to make it to work. The weekend was relaxing & fun. Matt's parents rented this amazing house just a couple miles from the strip with a pool, pool table, jacuzzi, Wii, huge screen TV, our own slot machine, & 4 bed rooms. it was pretty amazing. We took advantage of every bit of it. Matt & I spend saturday night stranded in the house with no keys & 2 cars sitting out front, talk about frustrating. But we made the best of it, watched movies & ordered pizza; felt like we were in our own house. Sunday morning we woke up to have a nice breakfast & then headed out to our hike in Red Rock Canyon. It was absolutely beautiful (will post pictures this week) We came home, napped, then the whole family went down to the strip & had a fancy dinner in Mandalay Bay & gambled for about an hour. Matt & I have gone to Vegas 2 times before this trip & haven't had much to worry about money wise. & during those trips we easily gambled a few hundred dollars; but now that we have a wedding to think about we practiced a little self control. We did walk away with small winnings. $50 here, another $15 there. A weekend in Vegas was just what we needed.

Fiancé

I am so wonderfully in love with Matt. The last week has been a week I will remember for the rest of my life. I came back from visiting my family in Mexico (which in & of itself was amazing because I haven't seen them in 7 years) & was greeted by my handsome boyfriend dressed in my favorite flannel at LAX. Long awaited embrace & kisses followed the whole morning over. Later that morning marked a moment that would change the rest of my life forever; Matt said some beautiful words then asked me to be his wife. Every day since then has been great. Getting use to being called one another's fiancé is exciting. What gets me the most is hearing my family talk about the wedding & the planning. Gives me chills. One of our first "activities" as an engaged couple was to see Paul McCartney at the Hollywood Bowl last night. It's almost symbolic for us. Our love began talking about & listening to The Beatles, & here we are seeing Sir Paul on stage giving an amazing performance full of stories & beautiful music. I am so happy.

In love

I didn't expect Matt & I to fall in love. Not that I expected less than that, but I had learned not to set my hopes so high. I don't believe in luck or chance but the beginning of our relationship was struck by a number of fortuitous events that even I cannot deny, but that, I believe is fate. Matt & I met a week before my 22 birthday at a Halloween party at a mutual friends house & really hit it off. We had great conversations about our family & jobs. I put my number in his phone & went home with a smile on my face. We talked a few times in between, but on the night of my birthday he drove to my house & we sat in his car & listened to The Beatles LOVE soundtrack & talked & kissed for hours. Falling in love came very naturally & quickly for us after that.